Red Moon Randomness
by DarknessZ
Summary: Watch the akatsuki have fun in their lair, while resting from their evil deeds!
1. The True Meaning

Itachi opened his eyes

Itachi opened his eyes. After having a flashback on his nightmare, which involved a pony, The Leader and a ballet dress, he felt something wet under his back. He tried to get up. But he couldn't. With huge effort, he turned his head and saw Kisame sleeping. The drool from Kisame's mouth already soaked in the bed and was dripping onto the floor. For about a minute Itachi was looking at Kisame, chewing his pillow in his sleep and thinking whether he should use amaterasu or tsukuyomi on him. Kakuzu is obviously going to kill Kisame for the money wasted on the pillow and the mattress. So Itachi decided to use Sharingan and watch what kind of sick dream Kisame is having. Itachi just loved watching someone else's nightmares. Suddenly, the world has changed colors and Itachi found himself standing, in his Mickey Mouse pajamas in front of a very disturbing picture. Kisame was lying on a huge armchair, extending with blue feet, while his nails were being polished by four mermaids. Behind him, Sailor Neptune in bikinis was making a cocktail. He heard a strange noise behind him. After turning around, Itachi saw a huge bowl of water with a shark from jaws inside. But the thing that disturbed Itachi the most were the copies of him, trying to get away from the shark, and the bloody remnants from the Itachis who were already eaten. Itachi slowly realized that amaterasu would've been much better. After hearing Kisame shout "Good girl" to a shark and seeing the copy of himself decapitated, Itachi teleported to his realm.

-Kisame, wake up you idiot!!

Kisame opened one eye and licked his lips

-You look tasty, Itachi-san – drowsily said Kisame

After fully waking up, Kisame tried to get up and realized something is wrong

-Itachi-san, what is this sticky stuff?

-It's your drool, you idiot!! – Itachi was close to having fried fish for breakfast.

-Sorry Itachi-san ….

-Get me out of here Kisame – Itachi finally started to calm down, after seeing Kisame's dream

After Kisame literally ripped Itachi out of bed, they quietly went to the showers, hoping, that no one will notice them. But suddenly…

-What the & is wrong with you two? – Hidan asked walking out of his room

-Kisame was drooling in his sleep again – calmly answered Itachi, trying not to notice the huge chunks of drool falling of from his hair

-Well that's just &#& gross – Hidan was just as usual. – Plus, Kakuzu's gonna #& kill you both

-That's Kisame's problem, not mine – Itachi answered, trying to get past Hidan as fast as he could, without showing the urge to clean himself from Kisame's drool

-Well whatever, it's not my # problem – said Hidan and went back to his room.

After finished washing off the drool, Itachi, as he expected heard a horrible scream going out of his and Kisame's room. The door slammed, and Kakuzu, ran towards him with a wild look on his face.

-WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS THIS &#& SON OF 5& SHARK?? I'M GONNA & MAKE A SUSHI OUT OF HIM AND FEED IT TO ZETSU!!

-Over there – said Itachi, emotionlessly, without pity pointing towards the washroom door.

-Whoa, Kakuzu, never heard something like that from you dude – Hidan said, walking out of his room

-No, Kakuzu, NO!! – They've heard from the bathroom – You know how I hate the COLD water, NOOOO!!

Hidan and Itachi saw, Kakuzu, walking out of the bathroom, with a wide smile on his face. After seeing them, Kakuzu's quickly faded.

-I am going to report this to the Leader. That's the fourth bed this month! THIS MONTH DAMMIT!!

-Hey, hey, bro calm down…

-SHUT UP OR I'LL KILL YOU!!

-Ha, you can't – Hidan smirked

-Ugh… - said Kakuzu, and went up, to visit the Leader

Down in the kitchen

-Who's turn is to cook breakfast today – asked Pein impatiently – Hurry up, because I'm really hungry and, as said it Tobi's manner: When Pein is hungry – Pein is angry, when Pein is angry – Pein wants to kill someone and when Pein wants to kill someone he usually kills him – Pein glared at Kisame very closely, Kisame turned away trying not to tremble much remembering the 10 bowls of shark fin soup, Pein and Kakuzu (and Hidan who happily joined the party) fed him.

-… So as I was saying, when Pein wants to kill somebody he usually kills that !( fish… I mean the person and when Pein wants to kill the person, he usually does it and very, VERY painfully – Kisame let out a tiny shriek

-… And when Pein kills Kis… him he is very happy but he's still hungry and the best way to make Pein happy is to &# FEED HIM!! So I'm asking you, my fellow akatsuki, who the &#&# is in charge of cooking this morning!?

-Whoa – said Hidan after two minute silence, I guess everyone feels really crappy today. I've never heard The Leader swear except the time when Deidara put a clay bomb in Leader's cake at his birthday party….

- Good times… - said daydreaming Deidara

-Well, I guess it's my turn to cook the & breakfast, so who wants waffles?

-Yay, waffles!! Tobi loves waffles – yelled the hyperactive kid – Tobi cooked waffles in "One of the Cool Kids" fanfic, everyone liked Tobi's waffles!

- I guess it's the waffles then – Hidan said smiling

- I think Hidan is disturbingly nice today – Akatsukis heard Zetsu's voice from the far corner of the kitchen where he was watering himself from a huge sink – Yes indeed answered his another half

- Hell yeah I'm nice – chirped the Jashinist happily – An incredible thing happened yesterday! As usual, I've started my night prayers by shouting the prayers in the air vent; I've read on some guy's Jashin fansite that it really works! And imagine, after two hours of doing nothing but shouting through the air vent and hoping the Great God would here me, Jashin has answered to my prayers!! Can you just imagine how awesome that is!! I was so devoted to the Great Jashin that he answered my prayers!! And plus, he used such word, OMG the words that I never ever heard in my life!! Now I even know what #))(#( means!! It means when your mom &#&()# and #&(# and then everyone are #)#)() after a #(&(#( and &#(#)# for a &#& hour!! I never knew that &( had such a deep meaning and also…..

- Hidan – said slightly annoyed Deidara – um… can you shut up and finish cooking the waffles??

- But why? I've heard Jashin answering me; do you understand how important this is to me??

- Um sorry, but I don't think it actually was Jashin was the one answering you…

- What do you mean Deidara? He answered to my prayers!!

- I think it was Kakuzu who was answering your prayers, his room right next to yours and I don't think that someone can sit all night, while listening to you shouting through the air vent with your prayers. Oh and I also heard Kakuzu, I think you should get some pointers from him if you don't even know what &#(&() actually means and you're supposed to be the foul-mouthed one in our gang!! And please don't shout through the vents anymore, 'cause I think Kakuzu's going to explain the meaning of even more words to you, plus he's probably is not gonna able to sleep, but I don't really care about that…

- But, but… I hate all of you guys – screamed Hidan, dropping the spatula and ran upstairs to his room.

After hearing the door shut, the rest of the akatsukis set in silence for about ten minutes. The waffles were slowly burning. The sun was shining from the windows and the birds were chirping clueless of the lair of pure evil nearby. But no one was thinking about the evil deeds right now. All of them were listening to the cussing heard through the loud sobs from upstairs.

- Well I think Hidan still is the foul-mouthed one… -said careless Deidara

- Wait, so what does the #U#(&# mean? – they've heard Zetsu's voice going from the sink

Reviews would be so nice!


	2. Poker Sharingan Style

-No I won't

-No I won't!

-Yes, you will!!

-NO I WON'T!!

-Yes you will Deidara!!

-But I don't wanna model for boys gone wild!!

-But you have to!!

-But why can't Itachi do it? You know he's into that kinda stuff!

-You've got no proof Deidara… – said the emotionless Itachi, trying to hide his face

-Oh, who needs proof, you weasel! Internet is full of you posing for them! So Leader, why can't Itachi go instead of me?

-Because first, they're paying a buttload of money for us to do that, second – they have only one vacancy…

-But why me….

-And THIRD, you are the most popular Akatsuki from all of us!

-ME?? But isn't Itachi…

-DEIDARA??111??2? – Itachi screamed and fell of his chair – How can HE be more popular than ME?? ME!!

-Calm down Itachi. In the last poll, we posted on the internet Deidara beat you by one percent. I came in solid third though. I don't get it actually, how can you two be more popular then me??

-Maybe it's because me, you Hidan and Kakuzu hadn't been animated yet? – said the silent blue haired kunoichi – Oh I so want to get animated, I think my popularity will rise so high, when all the guys out there will see me!! I so wanna be higher the 6th place!!

-She got 6th place only because the Leader-sama is the admin of the site and he boosted up Konan's rating – whispered Deidara

-Oh, really, I didn't now you could do that – answered Kakuzu, I'm moderating the site and you know 7th place won't get me any money…

-Hey what are you two girls talking about over there? – demanded Pein

-Um nothing, just thinking of the new ways to catch the Jinchuriki…

-Good attitude Deidara, I'm pleased

-Hehe, he's such an idiot…

-What?

-Um… nothing…

-Wait, so who took the last place? – asked Itachi

-Who do you think – smirked Hidan

-What, Kisame? Again??

-Hell ya

-Wow, Kisame, you really need to get some fangirls out there. Do some swimsuit pics like Itachi did, or at least start a blog or something – said Deidara

-But I hate swimsuits and I don't know how to use the computer thing you all addicted too!!

-Yeah, but even Zetsu beat you and this is just pathetic

-Who are you calling pathetic – yelled Zetsu – Yeah, you want me to eat you – yelled the other half, 8th place is not so bad!!

-Remember Zetsu, what I told you about eating other Akatsuki members?

-Sorry Leader…

-And Tobi took 4th place; Tobi is so excited that he has so many fans!! Tobi is all over the Internet now, like Itachi or sempai

-That kid beat me – growled Hidan – curse you fangirls, CURSE YOU!!

-So, as I was saying, you, Deidara are going to model for boys gone wild, while all of us are going to drink beer, play poker and watch Bleach hentai

-Watch what?? –Konan screamed

-Um nothing… I meant we'll watch some Rambo, Fight Club, stuff like that, you know the movies that REAL men watch!

-Ugh not again – signed Konan – whatever I'm then just gonna go to the spa and do the stuff the REAL girls do!!

--Konan leaves--

-Thank God…

-Wait are we actually gonna watch Bleach hentai??

-No, Hidan, I just said that for Konan to go away

-Awwww…

--1 Hour later--

-Ok, Deidara, it's time for you to go

-Noooo, please noooo, I wanna play poker like everyone else

-Didn't you listen to the Leader-sama, only MEN are allowed to play poker!!

--Everyone except Pein and Itachi: ZOMG LOL LMFAO ROFL ROFL ROFL--

-Screw you guys, I'd rather model for them, then sit here with you all night

-Yeah, maybe you should model for Playboy too, you're gonna be a BOMB! –Hidan laughed

-Shut up Hidan! What's wrong with you? Haven't been shouting prayers in the air vent for a long time?

-Hmpf – Hidan turned away – That's none of your business, INO!!

-Shut up!! – Deidara walked out and loudly shut the door

As the remaining akatsuki gathered in the living room, Itachi and Kakuzu brought a pimped out poker table. Hidan got out the beer from the fridge. After five seconds of hard thinking he took rum. After another ten seconds he took vodka too. And after coming to the room he put the beers on the table and everything else under the poker table.

-Hell no, I'm gonna share with these bastards – muttered Hidan, while sneaking a sip from the bottle of vodka underneath the table.

Itachi brought a deck of pimped out poker cards which are guaranteed to sustain all five types of chakra attacks. After burning the Bleach Girls Special Collection Playing Cards that Hidan put on the table, he gently replaced them with his own precious cards. Excited Tobi sat down near Zetsu and started asking him about the rules of poker. Unfortunately, Zetsu couldn't tell him much, except that poker cards and especially Itachi's ones are really tasty. Confused kid switched over to Kakuzu, who started fiercely explaining the importance of chips and the secrets of bluffing. Pein was thinking of a new strategy to beat Kakuzu. Hidan was trying to get another round of vodka, while avoiding Sharingan and Rinnengan eyes; Itachi was warming up his Sharingan for the game. He decided that he will beat Kakuzu and no one, no one will stop him! Kisame was just sitting there, thinking about the errors of his ways…

-Ok, gentlemen, welcome to Casino Royal… – began Pein

-Um, but we're not in the casino…

-Shut up Kisame, I can dream, can't I…

Kisame stopped talking and looked at his cards he had two Kings

-Fold – said Kisame – everybody always wondered why Kisame had never won a game in poker in his life

-Anyway, as I was saying, no cheating guys or I will kill you. It's as simple as that

-Tobi always plays fair, Tobi will never cheat – Tobi said, while scanning everyone's cards with his Sharingan. Everyone except for Kisame, who already folded, had crappy cards. Tobi will be brave and go all-in, just as Kakuzu-san told him to do.

One after another, all the akatsukis folded.

-Ok, reveal you cards guys – announced Leader – Kakuzu – a pair of 10s, Tobi – straight from 5 to 9, Itachi straight from 10 to ace, Zetsu… where are your cards Zetsu?

-Uuum…

-Don't tell me that you ate them again…

-Sorry Leader-sama, they just looked so tasty

-ZETSU!! – Itachi screamed – Tsukuyomi!! – Zetsu was forced to watch people eating vegetarian food for 72 hours. After that he was only able to crawl away from the room and was quietly wheezing in the hallway.

Pein brought his own cards and the game resumed

After ten minutes of play, Tobi, Kakuzu and Itachi were in the lead. Pein was not so far away from them. Kisame had almost no chips left. Hidan switch to some crazy poker style, which involved huge bets with no reason. And because of Tobi, Itachi and Pein who could see his cards he was loosing his chips really quickly.

-Can I get a hug Kakuzu? – said Hidan, who was already wasted from the huge amount of vodka and rum he drank

-Shut up and keep playing – Kakuzu said. He was surprised by the skill that Tobi showed in poker. That was the hardest game of poker so far. Kisame and Hidan were nothing. One of them sucked and the other one was completely wasted. He could beat both Pein and Itachi, but if Tobi keeps playing like that, Kakuzu could lose his status of the best poker player in the gang. He couldn't read Tobi's face behind the mask and it was like Tobi could see all his cards.

30 minutes passed; an hour passed; 2 hours passed by. Kisame lost all of his chips and was watching everyone else playing with a fangirl look on his face (can you just imagine Kisame looking like that?). Hidan was sleeping under the table while his chips were being stolen by Kakuzu's threads. Kakuzu was in the lead, followed by Tobi, Pein and Itachi. Konan was trying to get out of genjutsu Itachi cast on her, so she wouldn't be able to come back home before they finish the game… or maybe ever. Deidara was running away from the bunch of girls who wanted to dress him in a Speedo.

It was now three hours since the game begun. The air was filled with chakra the remaining akatsuki used to cheat and to prevent everybody else from cheating. Itachi was losing really badly…

Full house – aces over jacks for Tobi, three of a kind – kings for Itachi. Tobi wins the hand. –Pein announced

-Yay, Tobi won another hand!! Tobi thinks he is really good at this game! Is Tobi good at poker, Kakuzu-san?

-Yes…. Yes he is – Kakuzu was now really worried. Tobi now had more chips then him.

After another half an hour of intense playing and cheating it now didn't matter what cards you had in the beginning. The most popular winning combination was a Straight Flush – 10 to 24 of black diamonds. Sometimes, combinations like12 jacks or even 51 aces over 49 kings took place. Nobody noticed that Pein's deck was steadily growing because Zetsu sneaked back to the room and was now using his concealing technique to eat the cards.

…Royal Flush – 16 to ace, Kakuzu wins

…Itachis has 67 kings, Pein has a straight from 15 to 99 – Pein wins

…Tobi has 175 kings over 98 queens. Itachi has 67 Jacks over 55 Aces – Tobi wins

-Itachi's eyes were sore from the intense use of Mangekyou and he was almost out of the chips. He finally decided to go all in against Tobi. That was a bad idea…

There was no choice… Itachi has to do it now or he'll lose. But to make sure that Tobi will have no chance of winning Itachi decided to use Tsukuyomi on him.

-Tsukuyomi – whispered Itachi, while Tobi activated his own Sharingan

The Sharingans collided. Using Madara's powers Tobi beat Itachi's Sharingan and gained full control over his body and mind

-The three things I love… whispered Tobi

-The three things I love – said Itachi

-Are ponies…

-Are ponies!

-Fangirls…

-Fangirls

-And Tobi…

-And Tobi!!

(Group Akatsuki sweatdrop. Even Hidan woke up after hearing Itachi's statement)

-And now…

-And now!! – yelled Itachi

-I would like to…

-I would like to

-Donate all my chips…

-Donate all of my damn chips!!

-To Tobi!

-To Tobi!!

Itachi gave all of his chips to Tobi. After sharing a warm hug with him (while still being under Tobi's control) he got up and look at all the akatsukis with a wide smile on his face

-Group hug everyone? – smiled Itachi

Reviews would be nice guys!


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